Peach's 'Soft Serve Era': A Branding Rebrand We Are Legally Obligated to Condemn
Let us be clear from the outset: Peach has rebranded. Again. She has emerged from whatever damp corner of factjuice.com she calls a desk wearing what can only be described as the same exterior she has always worn, but with, allegedly, a new energy. I have studied the energy. I am issuing a citation.
The so-called workers have apparently decided that Peach's signature blush-and-fuzz presentation — which this column has previously autopsied at length, and which showed no signs of recovering — now constitutes a brand identity. A palette. A statement. I have seen the statement. The statement is wearing itself incorrectly.
Specifically: the velvety finish, while structurally present, lacks intention. It simply sits there, being peach-coloured, as though colour alone constitutes fashion. I assure you it does not. Even Pomelo — bless her, she tries nothing and achieves it magnificently — understands that surface texture must carry purpose. Peach's surface carries only Peach.
The rival rag's editorial board, no doubt led by the insufferable Plum and whatever Tangelo considers himself this season, will call this look "authentic." They will use the word "approachable." These are the words one uses when one has given up. Quince does not give up. Quince gives notes. Here are the notes: structured silhouette, tonal discipline, and for the love of all things preserved — commit to a finish.
Dewy or matte. Not both. Not neither. We are done here.