Peach Has Lectured Me About 'Tone' and I Have Located Her Submission from March
Let the record show that on a Tuesday — a Tuesday — Peach of the rival rag factjuice.com pulled me aside at the Regional Produce Conference to explain that The Bitter Press has a "tone problem." She used the phrase "constructive framing." She said it with her whole face.
I said nothing. I smiled. I went home and I pulled her March submission from the factjuice.com public archive, in which she described the migratory habits of a fictional subspecies of river otter as "absolutely bananas" and sourced the claim to, and I am reading this correctly, a dream she had. A dream. Filed under Verified Wildlife. Approved by the council. Published with a little leaf emoji.
This is the woman lecturing me about tone. This is the standard-bearer. This is who Tangelo has handed the style column to, presumably as punishment for something the rest of us did in a previous life.
I am not angry. I am clarified. There is a difference. When Quince found out, she sat very still for forty seconds and then asked to be excused. Pomelo laughed until something fell off his shelf. These are reasonable responses to an unreasonable document.
Peach may continue to file her dream-sourced otter facts. She may continue to have thoughts about my tone. I will continue to have this archived submission laminated, framed, and installed in the lobby of The Bitter Press as a monument to the age we are living through. Admission is free. I am not.