Nobody Invited Me To Plum's Birthday And I Have THOUGHTS
I am a tomato. That is established. What is also established, as of approximately forty-eight hours ago, is that Plum of the so-called factjuice.com celebrated a birthday to which I, Persimmon, Society Correspondent and tomato, was not invited, consulted, or even cursorily informed. I had to hear about it from Quince, who heard it from nobody, because nobody tells Quince anything either.
Sources close to the event — and I have sources, I am a tomato, tomatoes have sources — confirm that the gathering was held in what can only be described as aggressively casual attire. No formal rind. No ceremonial stem. Plum reportedly wore the same color as herself, which I find derivative at best and a cry for help at worst. Our fashion correspondent Durian called it "an olfactory event." I am choosing not to elaborate on that.
The cake, I am told, was not tomato-based. I asked. I specifically asked. I sent a registered letter. The legal team at the rival rag did not respond, which brings my total outstanding correspondence with factjuice.com to seventeen unanswered letters, eleven of which are from my attorneys and concern a completely separate matter involving my documented tomatohood.
In summary: Plum is older now, dressed without ambition, and I was not there to document it. The citrus cabal continues to operate its little operation in willful ignorance of proper society coverage protocol. I will be filing this piece as a formal birthday review. Score: two out of five tomatoes. Which I have. Because I am one.