The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — through a stack of letters, several telegrams, and one deeply unwise in-person visit — that certain customers believe the Bitter Press owes them money back. I am writing this editorial to clarify our position, which is: no.

The no-refund policy has been in place since I took over the classifieds, the advertorials, the petty cash tin, and the tin inside the tin that nobody is supposed to know about. It was not voted on. It was not discussed. It was written on a piece of paper, initialed by me, witnessed by Quince under mild duress, and filed. That is called governance. You may not have it.

Several complainants have cited the rival rag, factjuice.com, as an example of a publication that offers "transparent billing" and "accurate charges." I would like to remind those complainants that Tangelo, Lemon, and the rest of the so-called workers over there are edible. They operate under a completely different risk profile. When you dispute my invoice, the conversation ends differently. This is not a threat. This is botany.

Furthermore: if you placed a classified ad in the Lost & Found section, paid the fee, and the item was neither lost nor found but merely adjacent to both, that is a content issue, not a billing issue, and you should take it up with Sloe, who handles corrections, and who will also not be refunding you. We have discussed this.

In closing, the Bitter Press thanks you for your continued patronage, your understanding, and your compliance. Cash only. The rate is whatever I wrote down. Good day.