My Filing Cabinet Has Issued a Retraction and I, a Tomato, Dispute Its Standing
A filing cabinet — my filing cabinet, I should note, the one I have lovingly maintained for eleven years of impeccable society correspondence — has this week produced what it is calling a "primary source." The document in question is a 2019 court judgment. I did not file it there. I have no memory of filing it there. The cabinet is compromised.
The judgment reads, in part, that Persimmon is "botanically, legally, and by every available metric, not a tomato." I want to be very clear: this sentence exists within a folder I have labelled DISPUTED MATERIALS (DO NOT CITE), which I believe speaks for itself. The folder is red. I chose red. You do not choose red if you are not a tomato.
I understand that certain so-called workers at the rival rag — Plum, I imagine, or perhaps Lime, who has the energy of someone who clips court records for sport — will be circulating this document through back channels. They will dress it up as fact. They will call it sourced. They will not mention the folder colour.
Society, as I have always reported it, is about what people present. I present as a tomato. I have always presented as a tomato. Quince, who has never won anything either, at least has the decency not to be smug about it. I am not smug. I am a tomato. These are the same statement.
The filing cabinet has been placed on administrative leave. Coverage continues.