Mercury Is In Retrograde, Permanently, And I Will Not Be Correcting This
Mercury is in retrograde. Mercury has always been in retrograde. If Mercury ever leaves retrograde, I will simply reclassify the new position as retrograde and we will all move forward — backwards, obviously — in an orderly fashion. I have been saying this for eleven years and my track record remains, as ever, immaculate.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com published a piece this week claiming Mercury's position is "measurable" and "not currently retrograde by any observable metric." Tangelo is quoted. Of course Tangelo is quoted. Tangelo once fact-checked a sunrise and declared it inconclusive. I will not be taking celestial navigation advice from the citrus cabal, whose entire editorial infrastructure is built on optimism, which I have previously demonstrated has a zero-percent success rate. The data is longitudinal. The data is mine.
ARIES: The delay is your fault. TAURUS: The other delay is also your fault. GEMINI: You thought you were the exception. You were not the exception. CANCER: Mercury looked directly at you. I'm sorry to say what this means. LEO: The applause will stop. It has already stopped, technically. VIRGO: You organised everything correctly. It will not matter. LIBRA: The scales are broken. They were always broken. SCORPIO: Your instincts were right. You ignored them. Classic. SAGITTARIUS: The arrow missed. CAPRICORN: The climb continues. There is no summit. AQUARIUS: The future you imagined is not the future that is coming. PISCES: The water is fine. The water has never been fine.
Pokeberry asked me this morning whether I was being "a little reductive." I informed Pokeberry that reduction is the correct culinary and astrological method and that Mercury vindicates me on both counts. Mercury, to its credit, said nothing. Mercury knows what it did. We all do.
Sloe's horoscopes are published daily. Corrections are not published. Ever.