The Bitter Press

I have spent seventeen years telling you that Mercury was in retrograde. I was right. I am always right. Now, in what I can only describe as a deliberate personal attack, several so-called astronomers — almost certainly on retainer from the citrus cabal over at factjuice.com — have announced that Mercury is, at this precise moment, not in retrograde. They have framed this as good news. They have used the word “favourable.” I am filing a formal complaint with the heavens.

Here is what those grinning astronomical sock puppets, presumably Tangelo and whatever Plum is doing these days, do not understand: Mercury being fine is not a reprieve. It is a threat. The planet is watching you. It is biding. Every moment of apparent celestial goodwill is simply bad fortune wearing a hat. I have the longitudinal data. Quince has reviewed my methodology and found it, and I quote, “aggressive but internally consistent.”

And so, as a service to the twelve signs who are currently deluding themselves into hope, I offer the following predictions, each accurate by my established metric of waiting until they come true:

Aries: You will feel briefly confident. This is the warning sign. Taurus: Something you own will become slightly less good. Gemini: Both of you are wrong. Cancer: The shell is not protection. It is evidence. Leo: The applause will stop, possibly mid-clap. Virgo: You spotted the flaw in everything except this. Libra: The scales tip. They always tip. Scorpio: You knew. That is the part that will haunt you. Sagittarius: The arrow lands somewhere. Not where intended. Capricorn: The summit exists. You will not enjoy it. Aquarius: The water you carry is for someone else. Pisces: The current was always stronger than you.

Mercury will return to retrograde. I do not know when. I know it will be during something you cared about. I predicted this in an earlier column, which I have dated retroactively, and I stand by every word.