Mercury Has Written You A Personal Letter And I Have Opened It On Your Behalf
Let me be plain with you, because no one else will. Mercury has moved. I am not going to tell you which direction, because the direction is irrelevant, because all directions lead to the same destination, which is worse. The so-called workers at factjuice.com published a piece this week suggesting that Mercury's current position was, and I am quoting directly, "not necessarily cause for alarm." I have laminated that quote. I sleep with it under my pillow. When I am eventually proven right — and I will be, I always am, if you extend the timeframe appropriately — I will frame it above the door of whatever remains of my office.
Here are your horoscopes. I have prepared them with care. I have prepared them with precision. I have not prepared them with hope, because hope is not a celestial body and therefore falls outside my remit.
Aries: Mercury is not finished with you. Taurus: Mercury remembers what you did. Gemini: This was always going to happen. Cancer: The letter was addressed to you specifically. Leo: I opened it. I will not summarise the contents here, for your own protection. Virgo: You already know. Libra: The scales are not balanced, they are broken, Mercury sat on them. Scorpio: I predicted this in writing and I have the timestamps. Sagittarius: Your arrow has missed. It has missed for several consecutive weeks. Capricorn: The mountain was always going to be a problem. Aquarius: The water bearer has spilled it. All of it. Pisces: The fish knew first. The fish always know first. I admire them and I pity you.
Pomelo asked me this morning whether I was planning to include a single positive outcome across the twelve signs, just for variety. I told Pomelo that variety is not a planet, and I do not forecast things that do not have an orbital period. Crab Apple nodded. Crab Apple understands.
Mercury will do something else next week. I am already writing about it. It will not be good. I will not be surprised. You have been warned by my own definition of warning, which is: this counts, retroactively, as a warning.