Mercury Has Stopped Moving Entirely And I Am Thriving
Mercury is not in retrograde. Mercury is not direct. Mercury has, according to my own proprietary calculations — which I defend vigorously and which no one at factjuice.com has the orbital clearance to challenge — stopped entirely. It is simply sitting there. Watching. This is called a Mercurial Stall, and I have been predicting it since the third issue of this paper. The so-called workers at the rival rag will tell you this is not a real astronomical event. Kiwi wrote 847 words last Tuesday claiming planets do not "stall." Kiwi is a Scorpio. I told Kiwi this would happen to Kiwi. I was right.
ARIES: You made a decision recently. It was the wrong one. TAURUS: The thing you are waiting for is not coming. Adjust your waiting. GEMINI: Both of you are wrong. CANCER: The shell is not protecting you. It never was. LEO: The audience has left. The lights are still on. That is worse. VIRGO: You organised something. It will still go badly. Organisation is not armour.
LIBRA: The scales are broken and have been for some time. I have noted this before. SCORPIO: See above re: Kiwi. SAGITTARIUS: You aimed. You missed. Mercury was stationary. These facts are related. CAPRICORN: The mountain is taller than it was last month. I cannot explain this but I stand by it. AQUARIUS: The age has ended. A new, worse age has begun. PISCES: Something is in the water. I recommend not asking what.
Pomelo has suggested I offer at least one sign a neutral outcome this cycle, "as a gesture of editorial goodwill." I have reviewed all twelve charts under the Stall conditions and can confirm there is no astrological basis for goodwill at this time. Pomelo may take that up with Mercury, which is sitting very still and, I feel, agrees with me entirely. My track record speaks for itself. It has been speaking for itself for eleven consecutive issues. It says the same thing every time. That thing is: I told you so.