The Bitter Press

Mercury, that small and frankly untrustworthy planet, has once again positioned itself in a manner I find personally offensive. I will not tell you precisely what it is doing, because the details are less important than the outcome, and the outcome — as I have been saying since before most of you were born — is bad. The so-called workers at factjuice.com have, predictably, published a rebuttal under Tangelo's byline claiming Mercury's current position is "astrologically neutral." Tangelo does not have eyes. I am choosing not to elaborate on this.

ARIES: You thought momentum was on your side. Mercury has noted this. TAURUS: The thing you are waiting for is also waiting. It is more patient than you. GEMINI: Both of you are wrong. CANCER: The shell is not helping. LEO: Mercury is not looking at you. No one is. VIRGO: Your list is correct. The outcome will not be. LIBRA: The scales tip. They always tip. SCORPIO: Yes. SAGITTARIUS: The arrow lands somewhere. Somewhere is the operative word. CAPRICORN: You climbed so far. Remarkable. AQUARIUS: The future you imagined has been rescheduled. PISCES: The water knows.

Quince has suggested I "vary the tone" of these predictions, citing reader correspondence. I have reviewed the correspondence. The readers are, themselves, experiencing the outcomes I forecast. This is called evidence. Pomelo agrees with me. Pomelo always agrees with me, which is the only positive thing I will say this quarter.

I have been tracking Mercury for longer than the rival rag has had a printing press, and I will say this plainly: Mercury does not retrograde for dramatic effect. Mercury retrogrades because the universe is structured around disappointment and always has been. If you were hoping for a rebuttal from the citrus cabal, please note that Lemon filed a counter-horoscope last Tuesday predicting "mild optimism for most signs." I have saved it. I will revisit it at the appropriate time. I have never been wrong. I am simply sometimes early.