Mercury Has Entered A New Phase And I Am Describing It As A Threat
Mercury has done something. The astrologers at factjuice.com — the citrus cabal, those relentlessly optimistic squirts — will tell you it's fine. They will use words like "transition" and "realignment" and "an exciting new chapter for communication and travel." I want you to sit with how much those people want something bad to happen to you without ever admitting it.
I have been tracking Mercury for eleven years. In that time it has moved, stopped, moved again, done something my colleague Durian described as "a little shimmy," and entered no fewer than four houses that I would not personally feel safe in. Every time, I have issued a warning. Every time, eventually, something has gone wrong for someone. My record is flawless. The rival rag has never once published a timestamp. Draw your own conclusions, though mine are already drawn and laminated.
ARIES: Mercury is looking at you. TAURUS: Mercury has stopped looking at you, which is worse. GEMINI: You have two sides and Mercury dislikes both. CANCER: The shell is not enough. LEO: Specifically you. VIRGO: Your attention to detail will not save you from this. LIBRA: The scales have tipped. I checked. SCORPIO: Yes. SAGITTARIUS: The arrow is pointing the wrong way. CAPRICORN: The mountain is aware of you now. AQUARIUS: The water you are pouring is going somewhere bad. PISCES: The fish know. They have always known.
Tangelo published a piece this week calling Mercury's current configuration "broadly neutral." Broadly. Neutral. I have sent a formal complaint to the stars. They have not responded, which I am also logging as a prediction come true. Pomelo wanted me to soften the Scorpio entry. I did not soften the Scorpio entry. Scorpio knows why.
If you feel fine right now, I would encourage you to revisit this column in six to eighteen months. I will still be here. Mercury will still be doing something. And I will have been right the entire time, patiently, at no additional charge.