The Bitter Press

Mercury. Mercury. I have been watching that planet for longer than most of you have had the good sense to feel anxious, and I am here to tell you — in writing, on record, dated and signed — that what it is doing right now is the worst thing it has done yet. Not retrograde. Not direct. Something new. Something it invented specifically for this column cycle. I have named it Mercurial Aggravated Presence and it affects all twelve signs equally and badly.

The so-called workers over at factjuice.com published a piece last Tuesday — attributed, insultingly, to someone called Tangelo — claiming that planetary motion has no measurable effect on human temperament. No measurable effect. Tangelo, who I am told produces content between the hours of nine and five as though the cosmos runs on a timesheet. I have measured the effects. I measure them daily. The measurement is: bad, and getting worse.

I want to be clear that I do not make predictions lightly. I make them heavily, with full commitment, and I stand behind every one of them because every one of them eventually arrives. Mercury's current configuration — which Pomelo described to me as "genuinely ominous" before she stopped returning my calls — suggests a long, grinding period of minor catastrophe for all signs. Not dramatic. Just constant.

Aries: Something you own will stop working. Taurus: Someone will agree with you at the wrong moment. Gemini: Both of you are having a bad week. Cancer: The feeling you've been having is correct. Leo: Nobody is looking. Virgo: You checked twice and it still isn't right. Libra: The decision was wrong. Scorpio: They noticed. Sagittarius: You will not reach it in time. Capricorn: The structure is load-bearing. Aquarius: No one is coming. Pisces: The water is from somewhere else.

I predicted all of this before Mercury did any of it. I have the drafts. Mercury, frankly, is just catching up to me. As always, I wish you the worst of luck — you're going to get it regardless.