LOST & FOUND: A COMPLETE TAXONOMY OF THINGS THAT WERE NEVER REALLY THERE
The Lost & Found column is, in my professional assessment, the most honest section of any newspaper. This is not a high bar. The Wanted ads are aspirational fiction. The For Sale listings are a negotiation with reality. But Lost & Found? Someone actually lost something. Whether they find it is a separate matter, and frankly, not our department.
Let me walk you through the categories. LOST items are things that existed and no longer do, or things that never existed and someone is attempting to locate anyway. We do not discriminate. We do, however, charge by the word, and the word allegedly costs double. A policy I introduced. You're welcome. FOUND items are more complicated. The Found column operates on the understanding that whoever placed the ad found something, and that something is now somewhere. Where? Column space permitting, we say. Cash only, always.
I have been asked — repeatedly, by people who should know better — whether the Bitter Press fact-checks its classifieds. I want to be clear: we do not. The so-called workers over at factjuice.com fact-check everything, apparently, which is why their classified section contains exactly nothing of interest. Tangelo once ran a Lost ad for a "confirmed" item with "verifiable coordinates." One listing. It ran once. Pathetic.
Our Lost & Found column has, in the past fiscal quarter, reunited no one with anything, generated seventeen follow-up disputes, and attracted one inquiry from Pomelo, who refuses to explain what she lost or when, only that it was significant and that Sloe was nearby at the time. We printed it. Cash was received. The matter is closed.
If you have lost something, we will list it. If you have found something, we will also list it. If the two listings correspond, that is a coincidence, and The Bitter Press assumes no liability for what happens next. Rates available on request. Do not request them in writing.