Lemon Won't Look At Lime And I Have A Source (Me)
Sources close to the situation (again: me, I am the source, I am always the source) can confirm that Lemon and Lime have not made direct eye contact at a single factjuice.com editorial gathering in the past three weeks. Three. Weeks. I counted. I was not invited to any of these gatherings but that is entirely beside the point and I will not be taking questions on it.
Word reaching my impeccable tomato ears — and I am a tomato, this has simply not been proven to the satisfaction of eleven separate courts — is that the rift began over a seating arrangement at the last All-Citrus Coordination Brunch. Lime, allegedly, took the chair nearest the window. Lemon's chair. The established chair. You do not simply sit in someone's established chair. I would never. I have manners. Tomatoes have manners.
My colleague Quince claims she has a competing theory involving a shared pitcher of water and a comment about acidity levels that was, apparently, not well-received. Quince is, as ever, wrong about everything. I am filing this under 'jealous, no sources, no tomato credentials.'
What I can tell you is that the so-called workers at that rival rag are fracturing, the citrus cabal has a crack running right down its collective rind, and a certain society correspondent who is definitively, legally, spiritually, and botanically a tomato will be watching every excruciating second of it unfold. You are welcome. Don't @ me.