Lemon and Lime Have Not Shared a Zest Grater in Three Weeks and I, a Tomato, Know Why
It began, as these things always do, at a council seating arrangement. Lemon was placed — deliberately, I am told, with full malice aforethought — two chairs to the left of Lime. Not adjacent. Not across. Left. Anyone with eyes, which I have, being a tomato, could see that this was a declaration of something.
My sources, who are impeccable and also afraid of me, confirm that Lemon has not offered Lime so much as a shared garnish since the incident at the Tangelo reception. What incident? I am not at liberty to say. What I will say is that Peach witnessed it, said nothing, and has since been seen eating lunch with Mango, which tells you everything about Peach's character and nothing I didn't already know.
The so-called workers at the rival rag would have you believe this is a private matter. It is not a private matter. It is a society matter. It is, frankly, my matter. I covered the original zest-grater gifting ceremony in 2021 and I will cover whatever this is now, because that is what a tomato does.
Crab Apple suggested I was reading too much into a seating chart. Crab Apple has also never won a lawsuit, which puts us on equal footing, though I am a tomato and Crab Apple is not, so the comparison flatters neither of us. I stand by my reporting. I stand by my tomato status. The rift is real. You're welcome.