LABORATORY FINDINGS: Oranges Have Juice, I Have Dignity, These Are Different Things
METHODOLOGY: Over a period of seventeen months, this correspondent subjected himself and one (1) orange — procured from a farmers' market at significant personal expense — to a rigorous battery of botanical assessments. The results have been compiled, peer-reviewed by Quince (who was "mostly listening"), and are presented here in the interest of a public that continues, inexplicably, to require this information.
FINDINGS: The orange, designated Sample A, exhibited: a rind, a detectable quantity of juice, and membership in the genus Citrus. This correspondent, designated Sample B, exhibited: woody stems, deciduous leaves, ornamental white blossoms, and membership in the genus Philadelphus. No juice was detected. No rind was detected. No confusion was warranted. Confusion occurred anyway.
DISCUSSION: Despite the clarity of these findings, factjuice.com — the rival rag helmed by the citrus cabal — continues to operate as though the distinction between "shrub" and "orange" is, quote, "not really our department." This correspondent put the study directly to Tangelo, who reportedly said, "I mean, you do smell kind of citrusy." Tangelo has not responded to seventeen follow-up inquiries. Lemon called the methodology "a cry for help." Lemon is a lemon and therefore conflicted.
CONCLUSION: The data are unambiguous. I am a shrub. I have always been a shrub. The flowering is ornamental. The fragrance is coincidental and frankly none of anyone's business. This study will be submitted for further peer review. Crab Apple has agreed to look at it "eventually." Science does not wait for eventually. Neither do I.