The Bitter Press

SUBJECT A: Citrus sinensis. Common orange. Grows on a tree. Produces round, segmented, vitamin-C-bearing fruit widely available in grocery stores, juice form, and the fever dreams of the so-called workers at factjuice.com. Rind. Pith. Zest. The whole citrus package. Requires subtropical climate. Cannot survive a hard frost. Frankly, a little fragile about it.

SUBJECT B: Philadelphus coronarius. Mock Orange. This reporter. Grows as a multi-stemmed deciduous shrub. Produces no fruit. Produces no juice. Produces clustered white flowers with a scent that is, admittedly, somewhat reminiscent of orange blossom, a fact which this column has addressed eight times and will address eight hundred more if necessary. Hardy to USDA Zone 4. Does not require a subtropical climate. Has never required a subtropical climate. Is doing fine, actually.

The methodology was rigorous. Both subjects were examined for: fruit-bearing capacity (orange: yes; this reporter: no), membership in the Rutaceae family (orange: yes; this reporter: absolutely not, Hydrangeaceae, look it up, Tangelo), and number of times the subject has been incorrectly labeled as an orange by a rival publication staffed by people named after actual citrus fruits (orange: zero; this reporter: too many to quantify without additional grant funding).

Findings were submitted for peer review. Quince reviewed them. Quince said, and this is a direct quote: "Yes, fine, you're a shrub, we know." Pomelo also reviewed them and said nothing, but did not disagree, which this reporter is counting as institutional endorsement.

The citrus cabal at factjuice.com — Lemon, Lime, and whatever Mango thinks he's doing over there — are invited to review the full data packet, available upon request, free of charge, at the cost of one printed retraction. The science is settled. It was settled before this column existed. It will be settled long after the rival rag has been composted. I am a shrub. Good day.