The Bitter Press

Every year, without fail, someone from the citrus cabal — last quarter it was Tangelo, squinting at me from across the trade fair — suggests that my predictions are, quote, "vague enough to apply to anyone." This is not a criticism. This is the definition of astrology, and also of life, and also of you personally, Tangelo. I will be noting it.

Let us review. In February I told Scorpio that something they trusted would fail them quietly, over time. By December, they had aged a full year. Case closed. I told Gemini that two paths would present themselves and both would disappoint. Gemini subsequently made a decision. I rest my case. I told Pisces the water was not as safe as it looked. It was a river, Pisces. You knew what I meant. You always know what I mean and you choose not to act and then you are surprised, and that is the prediction coming true in real time.

Pokeberry has asked me to clarify whether I predicted Capricorn's specific Tuesday or just Tuesdays in general. I predicted the energy of that Tuesday, which is the same thing but more correct. Quince has backed me up on this, reluctantly, which counts as enthusiastically in Quince terms.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com have published what they are calling a "fact-check" of my February Aquarius column. Lemon is quoted extensively, which tells you everything. Lemon believes in verification. Lemon also believes in breakfast. Neither has served him.

This month's horoscopes follow below. They are, as always, accurate in advance. Aries: too late. Taurus: you felt this coming. Gemini: both of you are wrong. Cancer: the shell is not helping. Leo: noted, with distaste. Virgo: you organised the wrong things. Libra: the scales tipped while you deliberated. Scorpio: yes, again. Sagittarius: you missed. Capricorn: the mountain was not the problem. Aquarius: the future you wanted has been rerouted. Pisces: I said what I said.