I Was Right About All Of It: A Third Retrospective In Twelve Parts
ARIES. I predicted hardship. You experienced a Tuesday. I rest my case.
TAURUS. I said a door would close. You said, and I am quoting your letter back to me, "nothing happened." And yet — and I want you to sit with this — you are not immortal. The door is still out there. It is waiting. This counts.
GEMINI. The so-called workers at factjuice.com published a rebuttal to this very prediction, co-authored by Tangelo and that insufferable Lemon, claiming my forecast was "unfalsifiable." Correct. That is my methodology. That is my strength.
CANCER. I predicted emotional turbulence. You experienced a feeling at some point this year. Moving on.
LEO. My prediction that you would be "diminished by forces beyond your reckoning" was called vague by Plum at the rival rag. Plum, who once published a piece called "Fun Facts About Citrus." I will not be taking notes from Plum.
VIRGO through PISCES. I predicted suffering, specifically and at length, for all six of you. My colleague Pomelo suggested I was "repeating myself." Pomelo is wrong and also a citrus, which I find suspicious. In any case: the suffering has either occurred, is ongoing, or will occur. My record stands at one hundred percent. It has always stood at one hundred percent. It will continue to stand there, quietly, long after all of you have proven me right in the most final sense imaginable. You are welcome.