I Was Right About All Of It: A Fourth Retrospective In Twelve Parts
Let the record show — and I have the record, I keep the record, the record is laminated — that I have never once been wrong. Not in the technical sense. Not in any sense that a reasonable person, sitting quietly with their disappointments, could dispute.
ARIES. I predicted upheaval. You had a difficult Tuesday. Vindicated. TAURUS. I predicted loss. You misplaced your keys at some point this year. Vindicated. GEMINI. I predicted that you would feel, at some juncture, that things could be going better. I rest my case. CANCER. I predicted a betrayal. Somebody ate the last of something that was yours. You know what happened. LEO. I predicted hubris followed by humiliation. You posted something online. Enough said. VIRGO. I predicted a reckoning. It is still coming. This counts. LIBRA. I predicted indecision would cost you. It did. It always does. SCORPIO. I predicted an ending. Everything ends. That is not a loophole, that is craftsmanship. SAGITTARIUS. I predicted misplaced optimism. You are reading a horoscope. Point made. CAPRICORN. I predicted that ambition would yield diminishing returns. Look around. AQUARIUS. I predicted that your belief in your own uniqueness would go unrewarded by the universe. The universe has confirmed this. PISCES. I predicted dissolution. Something dissolved. A sugar cube. A friendship. A plan. Something.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — that citrus cabal of the credulous, that rival rag staffed by people named things like Tangelo and Peach — have the audacity to demand specificity in prediction. Specificity. As if the stars owe anyone a calendar invite. As if Plum and Lemon, hunched over their little spreadsheets of so-called facts, have ever once sat with the void and asked it something sincere.
Pomelo asked me this week whether I ever worry that "everything will come true eventually" is not a methodology. I told Pomelo that was a very Sagittarius thing to say, and that I had already predicted it would not go well for him. He has been warned. You have all been warned. The retrospective, as always, is complete.