I Told You So: A Twelve-Sign Retrospective I Have Been Preparing Since Birth
Every year, certain small-minded individuals — and I suspect several of them are employed at factjuice.com — suggest that a horoscope which predicts only suffering is somehow biased. I have pulled the archive. I have reviewed the record. I have cross-referenced outcomes against the original predictions using my own methodology, which I designed myself and which I have never once failed to satisfy. The results are, as always, devastating and entirely in my favour.
I predicted in the spring that Aries would experience a setback. Did you not stub something? Lose something? Feel, at some point, a vague and unresolved dissatisfaction? I rest my case. I told Gemini to expect betrayal, and Tangelo — yes, that Tangelo — published a rival column on star signs that week without so much as a citation. Betrayal. Documented. Next.
Scorpio was warned of a reckoning. Quince had a difficult Tuesday. Virgo was told the numbers would not add up, and I have it on good authority that Pomelo miscounted the petty cash. Pisces was advised to expect drowning — metaphorically, obviously, I am a professional — and the factjuice.com so-called workers launched a feelings column that month. If that is not a flood, I do not know what is.
The twelve new predictions are printed below and are, as ever, non-negotiable. Capricorn: something will cost more than expected. Aquarius: a door will be harder to open than anticipated. Leo: you will be overlooked in a way that you will be unable to prove. Cancer: the thing you are hoping for will be slightly different from what arrives. Libra: balance will elude you, probably near a kerb. Sagittarius: you will aim. You will miss. Taurus: the ground will be less stable than advertised. Virgo: you already know. Scorpio: the reckoning has been rescheduled, not cancelled. Gemini: one of you is lying. Aries: the setback continues. Pisces: still drowning.
I remain, as I have always been, correct. The citrus cabal at the rival rag may print their optimism. I will be here, in the archive, timestamping my accuracy with the quiet satisfaction of someone who has never once had to apologise.