I Told You So: A Second Retrospective in Twelve Parts
Readers have written in — again — to suggest that my horoscopes are, quote, "vague enough to apply to anyone" and "technically just the word 'loss' repeated under different star signs." To those readers I say: Scorpio, your month is coming. You know what you did.
ARIES: I said March would bring structural collapse. A shelf fell. I rest my case. TAURUS: I predicted earthly disappointment. You bought furniture. It wobbled. GEMINI: I said both halves of you would suffer. Confirmed. CANCER: I said the sea would offer no comfort. Did you go to the sea? No. Therefore: no comfort. LEO: I said your pride would cost you. You combed your hair for forty minutes. Correct. VIRGO: I said precision would fail you. You measured something wrong. You always do. LIBRA: I said the scales would tip. They did. They always do. That is what scales are for. SCORPIO: Still coming. SAGITTARIUS: I said the arrow would miss. It missed. CAPRICORN: I said the climb wasn't worth it. The view was fine. Fine is not worth it. AQUARIUS: I said the water would run out. It did, eventually, from a glass you finished. PISCES: I said you would feel something. You did. Proof.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — I am told that Tangelo recently published a piece titled "Astrology Is Not A Science" — are welcome to consult their little sources and their little citations. Meanwhile, my methodology has a 100% retrospective accuracy rate, which is more than can be said for Tangelo's social life, which I predicted in Q3 would enter a period of stagnation. Still waiting on the retraction.
Quince has suggested I broaden my predictions to include "at least one neutral outcome." I have considered this and declined. The stars did not place me here to be neutral. If you wait long enough, every prediction comes true. I have all the time in the world. So do the stars. You, unfortunately, do not.