I Said It Would Go Wrong. It Went Wrong. A Twelve-Sign Accounting.
A correction is running in the rival rag this week. Factjuice.com — staffed, as ever, by the citrus cabal and their luminous little optimisms — has published what they are calling a "year in review." Tangelo wrote the headline. It contains an exclamation point. I will not be elaborating on this tragedy, as I predicted it eleven months ago under Scorpio and have already moved on.
Let me instead offer my own review. Aries: I said March would bring a reckoning with something you had been avoiding. You avoided it harder. The reckoning doubled. Confirmed. Taurus: I said your stability was load-bearing and that you were removing the wrong wall. The wall came down in September. You know what you did. Confirmed. Gemini: I said both of you would be wrong simultaneously. This was, statistically, the easiest prediction I have ever made. Confirmed. Cancer: I said the sea would offer you nothing this year. The sea offered you nothing. You went back anyway. Confirmed. Leo: I said the applause would stop. It stopped. You are still waiting for it to start again. It will not. Confirmed. Virgo: I said the list would not save you. The list did not save you. You made a new list. I have already predicted what happens to the list. Confirmed.
Libra: I said the scales would tip. They tipped toward the worse option, as scales do. Confirmed. Scorpio: I said you would sting yourself. You did it twice for efficiency. Confirmed. Sagittarius: I said the arrow would miss. You insist it didn't. The target has filed a complaint. Confirmed. Capricorn: I said the mountain was not worth it. You are still on the mountain. The mountain is not impressed. Confirmed. Aquarius: I said the future you were pouring would spill. You mopped it up with optimism. The floor is still wet. Confirmed. Pisces: I said you would drift. You drifted directly into the thing I said you would drift into. You thanked it for the lesson. Confirmed and frankly harrowing.
My colleague Quince has suggested I show more nuance. Quince is a fruit with the personality of a furniture catalogue and I say this with professional respect. The so-called workers at Factjuice have suggested horoscopes should be "balanced." Plum said this. Plum, who once ran a corrections column that itself required correcting. I predict that column will require correcting again. I am never wrong. I simply have the longitudinal data to prove it.