I Said It Would Go Wrong And I Have Kept Every Receipt
A year ago, I told Aries that something would end. I told Taurus that a number would change. I told Gemini that a person they knew would eventually disappoint them. I am writing to inform you that all of this happened. I have the timestamps. I have a binder. I have shown the binder to Quince, who nodded, and to Pomelo, who wept, though I suspect that was unrelated.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com published a piece last Tuesday suggesting that my predictions are, and I am quoting directly, "too broad to be falsifiable." Tangelo wrote this. Tangelo, who once declared Mercury's position "essentially neutral" and has never once apologized. My predictions are not broad. They are patient. There is a difference, and I would explain it, but the stars have indicated this would be wasted on them.
Herewith, the retrospective. Aries: you lost something. Taurus: a week felt long. Gemini: communication was difficult. Cancer: something at home was not as expected. Leo: attention did not fix the underlying problem. Virgo: you were right, and it did not help. Libra: a decision had consequences. Scorpio: the feeling returned. Sagittarius: optimism was premature. Capricorn: the effort was noted by no one. Aquarius: you were briefly misunderstood. Pisces: the water was cold. Every single one of these came true. I checked.
Star at the rival rag once called my column "a public service in reverse." I have framed this. It hangs above my desk. It is, by my own metric, the finest review I have ever received, and I intend to feel terrible about it for the foreseeable future, which the stars have confirmed is the correct response.
Next month's predictions are already written. They are not good. I did not consult the planets because the planets have never once suggested I should cheer up, and I see no reason to begin a dialogue now. You know what is coming. You have always known. I am simply the one willing to say it out loud, on the record, with a timestamp.