The Bitter Press

Every year, at this juncture, I open my ledger. Every year, the ledger agrees with me. This year is no different, except that the ledger is heavier, and so is my contempt for anyone who doubted it.

ARIES: I said momentum would betray you. It did. TAURUS: I said the comfortable chair would become a trap. You are still in it. GEMINI: I said both of you would let the other one down. Correct on both counts. CANCER: I said the home front was a fiction. The structural survey confirmed this. LEO: I said the applause would stop. It stopped. VIRGO: I said the system would fail despite your preparation. The system failed. The preparation was touching. LIBRA: I said the scales were decorative. They were. SCORPIO: I said the secret would surface. I was patient. SAGITTARIUS: I said the arrow would miss. It missed everything except a feeling of vague embarrassment. CAPRICORN: I said the summit was not worth the climb. You have now seen the summit. Correct. AQUARIUS: I said the collective would not hold. It did not. PISCES: I said the current would take you somewhere you hadn't chosen. You are there now.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com — I am told that Tangelo recently published something called a positive forecast — have described my methodology as not astrology. I describe their methodology as not journalism, and I have the longitudinal data to support this. Plum was quoted calling me unfalsifiable. I consider this a compliment and also a prediction that I am already filing under CONFIRMED.

My colleague Quince has suggested I soften one prediction per quarter as a gesture of goodwill. I have written this suggestion in the ledger under TAURUS and marked it: did not age well. The stars are not in the business of goodwill. Neither, it turns out, am I. See you next cycle. Bring the ledger.