I Predicted All Of This And Here Is The Proof, Organised By Sign
A year ago, I told Aries that something would go wrong. It did. I told Taurus that they would experience a significant Wednesday. They did. I told Gemini they were about to lose something they could not name but would miss anyway, and I have received no letters of refutation, which I am counting as confirmation. The evidence is mounting. The evidence has always been mounting. I have a folder.
Critics — by which I mean Tangelo, who sent a postcard to our editorial address calling my methodology "circular" — will argue that predicting bad outcomes universally is not the same as predicting them accurately. Tangelo is a Libra. I told Libra last March that they would be embarrassed by their own correspondence. The postcard exists. I rest my case in a small velvet-lined box, which I will never open again, because it is complete.
Leo was warned of hubris. Virgo was warned of a list that would fail them. Scorpio was told the thing they were watching would stop. Capricorn was told the ground was less solid than it appeared, which is always true if you wait. Pisces was told the water was not as refreshing as hoped. I have clippings. I have organised the clippings.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com published a piece last autumn suggesting that horoscopes require "specificity" and "falsifiability" to have value. This was written by Kiwi, who is, I have determined, a Sagittarius. I told Sagittarius last autumn that they would say something that revealed a fundamental misunderstanding of their own situation. The article exists. Kiwi exists. The stars do not apologise, and neither do I, though I note that Mercury is currently doing something unpleasant, which is the same as always, which is the point, which I have always been making.
Aquarius: you were told. Cancer: you were told. Ophiuchus: I have not forgotten about you, and I want you to know that I told you too, in a supplementary appendix that Pomelo refused to run, but which I am attaching to this piece as a spiritual addendum. Something will happen. It already has. I was already right. Good evening.