The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — through a small and frankly hysterical pile of correspondence — that certain subscribers believe the Bitter Press operates a refund policy. I want to address this directly, calmly, and in a way that I hope causes no permanent distress: it does not. It never did. The words "satisfaction guaranteed" appeared in our Issue 4 advertorial due to a typesetting error by Quince, who has been spoken to, and who is sorry, and who did not eat anything beforehand, which was considerate of him.

The no-refund policy is not a gap in our customer service. It is our customer service. You paid. The transaction concluded. That is the entire relationship. I am not a complaints desk. I am a classifieds column managed by a fruit that is medically inadvisable to ingest, and if you are only learning this now, I would ask what exactly you thought "cash only" implied.

I notice that the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Lemon, Peach, the whole citrus cabal — are apparently offering "corrections" and "accountability" to their readership. Fascinating. Charming. Also free, which tells you everything about what it's worth. We at the Bitter Press charge for our content because it costs something to produce and more importantly because we already spent the money.

If you placed a classified ad that did not result in the sale of your furniture, the recovery of your missing cousin, or the acquisition of the rare orchid you described as "motivated seller only, no time-wasters" — I am sorry for your circumstances but not for the invoice. Lost & Found ads are particularly non-refundable, as the item remains lost regardless of whether we printed the notice, which, for the record, we did. In the back. Near the bottom. Under Durian's column, which I understand nobody reads past the first sentence.

Submit your next ad at the usual rates. Cash. In advance. Unmarked. The classifieds desk is open until it isn't.