I Have Reviewed My Record. I Was Right. You Were Warned. Here Are Twelve More Warnings.
Once a year, I sit down with my ledger — a long, black, water-damaged thing that smells of regret and ink — and I go through every prediction I have ever made. Once a year, I confirm the same result: I was correct. Not approximately correct. Not correct in spirit. Correct the way a wall is correct when you walk into it in the dark.
Last cycle I told Scorpio that their partnership would dissolve into recrimination. It did. I told Virgo that the project they were proud of would be received with polite silence. It was. I told Gemini that the trip they were so excited about would leave them feeling inexplicably worse than before they left. I trust I need not elaborate. Gemini knows. Gemini always knows. I told Pisces the fish would turn. The fish turned. The fish always turns. That is what fish do. I have been saying so for eleven years and I will not stop.
Meanwhile, over at the rival rag, Tangelo was apparently doing a piece on "promising astrological windows." A promising window. I would sooner print my horoscope on the back of a receipt. Plum wrote something called "Your Best Month Yet," which I can only assume was a clerical error or a cry for help. The citrus cabal has never once been audited for accuracy because optimism, apparently, is self-exempting. Pessimism is the only discipline that can be verified. I invite the comparison.
And so, as is tradition, I submit twelve new predictions — one per sign — for the coming season. They are below. They are not encouraging. They are, however, guaranteed. Aries: your momentum is a liability. Taurus: the thing you kept is now the problem. Gemini: you already know. Cancer: the warning was not metaphorical. Leo: someone is performing more convincingly than you, and everyone has noticed. Virgo: correct, and still wrong. Libra: the balance tips. Scorpio: the dissolution continues. Sagittarius: you aimed; it curved. Capricorn: the summit was the easy part. Aquarius: nobody asked. Pisces: the fish turned again. I remain available for consultations. I do not recommend them.