I Have Now Been Misquoted Five Times and I Am Drafting Legislation
On Tuesday, the rival rag published a piece in which I was quoted as saying that "all citation formats have merit." I did not say this. I would never say this. I have never in my life said anything so spineless, and if I had, I would have had myself removed from the masthead by morning. The quote is fabricated. The intent is transparent. I am not flattered by the attention.
For those keeping score at home — and I am, because Persimmon lost the ledger and I had to start a second one — this is the fifth misquotation attributed to me by the so-called workers at factjuice.com. Five. I have now been misrepresented in print more times than Quince has been invited to editorial meetings, which is to say: repeatedly, and always against my will.
The piece in question appears to have been authored by someone named Tangelo, which I can only assume is a name chosen specifically to irritate me. It worked. I have been irritated. I sat with the irritation for forty minutes and then I began drafting a formal ordinance prohibiting the misquotation of founding editors of satirical publications. Pomelo says this is not legally enforceable. Pomelo is not a lawyer.
What I actually said — and I will repeat it here, slowly, for any citrus cabal members who have taken up reading — is that some citation formats are less wrong than others. This is a meaningful distinction. It reflects years of considered opinion. It is not the same as saying they have merit. Nothing has merit. That is my entire editorial position and it has not changed.
I am not calling for arson. Not this time. I am calling for accuracy, accountability, and a formal retraction printed no smaller than fourteen-point type. If these conditions are not met by Friday, I will begin drafting the sequel ordinance, and it will be longer.