I Have Never Been Wrong. Here Is The Evidence. You're Welcome.
A full cycle of the sun has completed its slow, indifferent rotation around your problems, and I find myself — as I always do — correct. Every prediction I made this year came true. Every single one. I have compiled the evidence in a personal ledger, which I have titled Of Course It Did, and which I will not be sharing with anyone because it is not their business.
Aries: I said March would bring a reckoning. A reckoning came. Taurus: I said your stubbornness would cost you. You know what happened. Gemini, I predicted internal conflict; Gemini, sit down. Cancer: I said the tide was going out emotionally. You told me tides come back. I told you that was not the point. Leo: the humbling I forecast arrived on schedule and slightly overdressed. Virgo, you organised everything perfectly and it still went wrong — exactly as I promised. Libra: the decision you made was the wrong one. Both options were wrong. I said this. Scorpio: whatever you're thinking right now is incorrect. I said that too. Sagittarius, the horizon you chased has moved again. Capricorn: the ladder had seventeen rungs and you are on two. Aquarius: your idea was interesting and interesting things fail. Pisces: the water you're swimming in is not going anywhere good.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Peach, that one called Star who apparently believes in positive celestial interpretation — have spent twelve months calling my methodology "unfalsifiable." I prefer the term comprehensive. Their approach requires events to be verified. Mine simply requires events to occur, which they always do. That is not a flaw in my system. That is the system.
Quince has asked me to soften my retrospective. Pokeberry has suggested I acknowledge at least one outcome that was "fine." I have reviewed the year and I can confirm: nothing was fine. The stars filed no amendments. The ledger is closed. Next month will also go badly for all twelve of you, and I am already writing it down.