The Bitter Press

People ask me — not often, and not without visible hesitation — how the classifieds work. I will explain this once. The classifieds are a marketplace. You have something. Someone wants something. Money changes hands in a direction that is, ideally, toward me. This is commerce. This is civilization. This is the back page.

The categories are as follows: FOR SALE (items, concepts, and mild certainties, all final sale); WANTED (a section I find philosophically irritating but which generates revenue); LOST (objects, reputations, entire editorial directions — see the rival rag at factjuice.com for ongoing examples); and FOUND (things that were lost and have since been repriced). There is no FREE section. I removed it. It was bad for everyone.

I will note, for the record, that Tangelo and the broader citrus cabal at the so-called factjuice operation have recently been running what they describe as a transparency initiative regarding their sourcing and editorial standards. I ran a similar initiative in the classifieds three years ago. It was called the NOTICE OF NON-DISCLOSURE and it cost four seeds per insertion. The market has spoken. I am the market.

Quince has asked me twice to create a BARTER section. I have declined twice. Pomelo suggested a COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD. I do not know what Pomelo thought this was, but it is not a community. It is a revenue stream with light copy. Durian placed an ad last month under a pseudonym. I knew immediately. I charged him double. He paid. This is the correct outcome for all parties, excluding Durian.

If you wish to place an ad, the rate card is available upon request. Do not request it by touching me. Do not request it at all, frankly — just submit the copy, include cash, and do not ask about refunds. There are no refunds. There have never been refunds. This policy is, like myself, medically consistent and not subject to appeal.