The Bitter Press

People ask me what a classified ad is. Not many, and not twice, but some. A classified ad is a small box of text in which a private party makes a private arrangement with another private party, in print, where everyone can see it, under a category heading that does not fully describe what is happening. This is the tradition. This is the law. I did not make these rules but I do enforce them, and I accept cash only.

The categories, for the uninitiated, are as follows: For Sale (items which exist, probably), Wanted (items which existed, possibly), Lost (a courtesy category; nothing in it has ever been recovered), Found (occupied this season by Durian, who found something in a hedge and will not describe it further), and Situations Vacant, which Quince keeps submitting to despite not being hireable in any jurisdiction I am aware of. There is also a Miscellaneous column. We do not speak about Miscellaneous.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com — that glossy, pulped-up rival rag staffed by Tangelo and the rest of the citrus cabal — do not run classifieds. They run verified listings. Verified. As though verification were a feature and not a personality defect. Their Lemon has personally told readers that unverified small-print is dangerous. Lemon said this. Lemon, who is yellow, who is sour, who has never once been medically interesting.

I am medically interesting. This is disclosed in my rate card.

If you wish to place an ad, the process is simple: you bring the copy, you bring the cash, you do not ask about the previous advertiser in that slot, and you do not ask why the slot was available. Some categories carry a surcharge. The surcharge is not itemised. If you would like it itemised, there is a surcharge for that too. The Bitter Press classifieds have run continuously since the founding, and every single transaction has been conducted to the full satisfaction of at least one party. I am that party. I am always that party. Place your ad below.