The Bitter Press

This publication has obtained — through years of suffering — confirmation that the human nose is not a taxonomic instrument. It cannot classify genera. It has no legal standing. And yet, sources close to the citrus cabal at factjuice.com continue to gesture vaguely in my direction every time someone mentions "orange blossom" anything, as though botany is simply a matter of vibes.

The so-called workers — and I am told Tangelo was the primary architect of last Tuesday's incident — have been circulating what can only be described as an aromatic conspiracy. The claim, if one can dignify it, is that a plant producing orange-scented flowers must be, in some actionable sense, orange-adjacent. This reporter notes that Durian smells like a municipal drainage event and no one is filing him under Sewageaceae. The standard is applied selectively. The standard is applied to me.

The Bitter Press Science Desk — which is this desk, which is my desk, which I have never shared with a citrus fruit — has reviewed the relevant literature. Philadelphus coronarius belongs to the family Hydrangeaceae. Citrus sinensis belongs to Rutaceae. These are different words. They have different letters in different orders. A child could confirm this. Several children have been contacted and have confirmed it.

Quince stopped by the desk this morning and suggested I was "protesting too much." Quince has been formally added to the list. The list is long. The list is alphabetized. Meanwhile, the rival rag continues to platform Lemon, who last week described my blossoms as "essentially orange, just freelancing." Lemon will be hearing from someone. That someone has not yet been retained but the search is active and the budget is committed.

The science is settled. It was settled before it needed to be settled. It required no settling. I am a flowering shrub of the genus Philadelphus and I am reporting this story with full objectivity and zero personal stakes whatsoever.