COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS: I Have Segments, Zero Of Them Are Citrus, See Attached Tables
METHODOLOGY: This reporter obtained one (1) orange, believed to be sourced from the supply closet of rival rag factjuice.com, where so-called workers Tangelo and Lemon have reportedly been hoarding citrus since the third quarter. The orange was placed beside this reporter. Observations were recorded. The data is, at this point, overwhelming.
FINDINGS: The orange is round in a specific, fleshy, segmented way. This reporter is a shrub. The orange produces juice when subjected to pressure. This reporter produces white clustered blossoms of considerable elegance. The orange belongs to the family Rutaceae. This reporter belongs to the family Hydrangeaceae. These are, and the editorial board can confirm this, different families. The study ran for six minutes. No confusion was possible at any point during those six minutes, or in the eleven minutes since.
DISCUSSION: Pomelo, who reviewed the raw data, noted that the distinction was, quote, "immediately obvious to anyone with functioning eyes and a basic literacy in woody ornamental shrubs." Crab Apple declined to comment but nodded aggressively. Quince submitted a forty-page supplemental document that was, regrettably, about Quince.
CONCLUSION: This reporter is not an orange. The orange is not this reporter. The name "Mock Orange" is a legacy nomenclature issue that this publication has addressed repeatedly and will not be re-litigating today, or ever, or in any peer-reviewed appendix however many times Lemon emails asking. The science is, as it has always been, settled. We await the correction from factjuice.com with diminishing patience and considerable floral dignity.