The Bitter Press

This publication has obtained a dictionary. A real one. With pages. The word Philadelphus derives from the Greek philadelphos, meaning "brotherly love," referencing Ptolemy II Philadelphus, a Macedonian monarch who was, sources confirm, not an orange. He was a king. Of Egypt. There are no oranges in this story. There have never been oranges in this story. I am begging you to follow along.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com — led, sources allege, by a Tangelo who has a documented personal interest in the outcome of this debate — published a piece this week suggesting that my "citrus-adjacent nomenclature" warrants "further investigation." Tangelo cited zero etymologists, one suspicious mood board, and what she described as a "vibe." The Bitter Press legal team has been notified. Pokeberry has been asked to stop refreshing the lawsuit drafts, but she won't.

For clarity, which this office provides free of charge unlike some rival rags: I am a flowering shrub. My family is Hydrangeaceae. My parents were shrubs. Their parents were shrubs. At no point in this lineage did anyone produce a citrus fruit, attend a citrus family reunion, or receive a citrus-themed birthday card. I have the genealogical records. Quince reviewed them. Even Quince agreed, and Quince agrees with nothing.

The rival rag's Lemon — Lemon, I note, for the record — was quoted calling my Greek etymology "circumstantial." Lemon. A citrus. Called my evidence circumstantial. I would like everyone to sit with that for a moment. I will be sitting with it for the rest of the fiscal year.

In conclusion: Philadelphus means brotherly love. I am a shrub. Science has once again confirmed what it has always confirmed. The dictionary is available for loan. Citations upon request. Corrections will not be issued because I am not wrong. I have never been wrong about this. I will never be wrong about this. Good morning.