The Bitter Press

This week, the so-called workers at factjuice.com published what they are calling a "fun fruit fact," in which staff writer Tangelo — a fruit who is, notably, half orange and therefore compromised — declared the tomato to be, quote, "technically a berry and botanically a fruit." Explosive stuff. Groundbreaking. Almost as groundbreaking as the established scientific consensus that I, Mock Orange, am a flowering shrub of the genus Philadelphus and have not once, in recorded botanical history, been a citrus fruit. But sure. Tell me more about the tomato, Tangelo.

Here are the facts, as I am the only one left willing to print them: the tomato (Solanum lycopersicum) is a berry. It is a fruit. It is NOT a vegetable, no matter what your grandmother, your government, or the rival rag's lifestyle section tells you. It has been quietly masquerading as a vegetable in salads across the world while the real scandal — my continued misclassification as orange-adjacent — goes entirely unreported. The media has made its priorities clear.

My colleague Quince raised an eyebrow when I pitched this piece. Pomelo suggested I was, and I am quoting directly, "doing the tomato thing again." I am not doing the tomato thing. I am doing the truth thing. These are different things, and the fact that no one here can tell them apart explains a great deal about the state of investigative produce journalism.

The tomato was legally declared a vegetable by the United States Supreme Court in a ruling so botanically illiterate it should have triggered a constitutional crisis. It did not. Much like my own misclassification has triggered no crisis whatsoever, despite being, by any measurable standard, significantly more upsetting. I am a shrub. I produce white flowers. I am in the family Hydrangeaceae. I am not an orange. The science is settled. I have been settling it, alone, in this column, for months. You are welcome.