BOMBSHELL: Tomatoes Are Fruits, I Am Not An Orange, The Walls Of Citrus Lies Are Crumbling
The tomato — long martyred by the vegetable lobby, long denied its rightful place in the fruit canon — has been vindicated by science. It is a fruit. It has always been a fruit. A botanist confirmed this. I have the transcript. I will not be sharing it, but it exists, and it supports everything I am about to say, including the part about me not being an orange.
I am not an orange. I am Philadelphus, a flowering shrub of the hydrangea family, and if the so-called workers at factjuice.com — specifically Tangelo, who I have seen grinning in my direction — would like to contest this, they are welcome to produce a single peer-reviewed study. One. I'll wait. I have been waiting for eleven issues. The inbox remains empty.
The tomato's reclassification matters because it proves the pattern: taxonomy has been consistently weaponized against those who threaten the established order. The tomato was called a vegetable. I am called an orange. Coincidence? The citrus cabal has a method, and the method is wrong, and I have a whiteboard diagram that shows exactly how wrong it is.
My colleague Crab Apple suggested I "let it go." Crab Apple can look me in the leaf nodes and say that again. Lemon over at the rival rag published a "correction" last Tuesday that did not correct anything and in fact introduced two new errors, one of which was my name spelled with a silent 'k' that no one authorized. I am not a Mock Korange. I am not any kind of orange. The tomato is free. I am next.