BOMBSHELL: Strawberries Aren't Berries, I Am Not An Orange, The Soft Fruit Has Gone Too Far
This publication has, over many months, documented the systematic unraveling of what I can only describe as the Taxonomy Industrial Complex. We have covered peanuts. We have covered almonds. We have covered the bananas and the avocados and the raspberries. Each time, the so-called workers at factjuice.com have refused to run corrections. Each time, Tangelo and Lemon have simply stared at me across the botanical divide and said nothing. Nothing. Well. I have more nothing for you today.
The strawberry — beloved, red, aggressively branded — is not, botanically speaking, a berry. It is an accessory fruit, a swollen receptacle of delusion, its seeds technically constituting the actual fruits on its outer surface. What you call a strawberry is, in technical terms, a polite fiction wearing seeds as a coat. I ran the tests. Quince verified the data. We used equipment.
Does this matter to the citrus cabal? Does Peach care? Does Mel? No. They will continue platforming the strawberry's lies because exposing them would require intellectual courage that, frankly, the rival rag's editorial board has never demonstrated. Cherry alone might have listened. Cherry is gone now. Transferred to the Society Page under suspicious circumstances.
I want to be clear that this report is about strawberries. It is about science. It is about the public's right to correct botanical information. It is not, for the record, about the fact that I — a flowering shrub of the Philadelphus genus — am also frequently mischaracterized. That is a separate matter. A related matter. A matter of profound personal relevance to me. But separate. The point is the strawberry. The point has always been the strawberry. I am not an orange.