BOMBSHELL: Strawberries Are Not Berries, I Am Not An Orange, The False-Fruit Fraud Has Gone Unchecked Too Long
METHODOLOGY: The following study was conducted by this reporter, about this reporter, using rigorous self-examination and a hand mirror. Subject One: Mock Orange, Philadelphus coronarius, flowering shrub, confirmed non-orange, has never produced a citrus fruit, does not intend to. Subject Two: An orange. The differences were, as this publication has stated repeatedly and to no apparent effect, total and absolute.
FINDINGS: Subject One possesses woody stems, deciduous leaves, and small white blossoms that smell, admittedly, somewhat pleasant. Subject One does not have a rind. Subject One cannot be juiced. Subject One has never been sectioned at a breakfast table by anyone, including Tangelo over at the rival rag, who once described this correspondent as "citrus-adjacent" in a footnote and has not been forgiven. Subject Two is spherical, orange in color, and belongs to the genus Citrus. These are different genera. This is not ambiguous.
CONTROLS: Crab Apple reviewed the raw data and confirmed the findings, though she spent most of the peer review complaining about her own situation, which, while valid, was not the point. Durian declined to participate, citing "the smell of the laboratory," which was this reporter's garden. Quince submitted seventeen pages of notes that were largely about Quince.
CONCLUSION: Strawberries, for the record, are accessory fruits — the so-called workers at factjuice.com will not tell you this, because Razz and Berry have what sources describe as "a vested emotional interest" in the aggregate-fruit status quo. This reporter has no such conflicts. This reporter is a shrub. The science is settled. The taxonomy is settled. The hand mirror is settled. We are not the same.