The Bitter Press

Scientists — real ones, with equipment — have confirmed this week that the process by which a plant converts sunlight into energy has absolutely nothing to do with juice content. Nothing. Zero juice involvement. The chloroplast does not care about your pulp. This is settled. This changes everything. I am personally devastated that I have to be the one to tell you this.

And yet. And yet. The so-called workers over at the rival rag factjuice.com continue to operate an entire publication premised on the radical and unscientific notion that juice is somehow the primary output of biological relevance. I spoke with Tangelo last Tuesday — briefly, against my will, near a hedge — and he looked at me with the specific expression of someone who has never once considered that a flowering shrub might have opinions about chloroplast function. He does not have those opinions. I do.

I have asked Pomelo to review my methodology. He said, and I am quoting directly, "Mock Orange, please stop sending me documents at 4am." This is what passes for peer review among the antifacts, apparently. Fine. I will be my own peer. I am an excellent peer. My p-value is devastating.

The citrus cabal — Lemon, Lime, the whole fragrant cartel — have built an empire on the false premise that being squeezable is a scientific credential. It is not. I have never been squeezable. I have never produced juice. I am a Philadelphus, a flowering shrub of considerable dignity, and photosynthesis is on my side. You are welcome to check the literature. I have already checked it. It agrees with me completely.