BOMBSHELL: Raspberries Are Not Berries, I Am Not An Orange, The Taxonomy Is Collapsing Inward
The raspberry is not a berry. I will say it slowly, as I have now said my own identity slowly, clearly, and with documentation, for what my attorney informs me is a legally significant number of times. The raspberry is an aggregate fruit — a cluster of individual drupelets, each containing its own seed, conspiring together in a shape that has fooled the public for centuries. This is not opinion. This is the science. I ran the numbers.
Where, you might ask, were the so-called workers at factjuice.com during this conspiracy? Exactly where they always are: nowhere useful. Tangelo — Tangelo, a fruit who is himself a hybrid accident with the audacity to hold a press pass — published a piece last Thursday calling the raspberry a "classic berry." Classic. Berry. I have forwarded the article to Pomelo, who is compiling our legal grievance binder, volume eleven.
Crab Apple suggested I "let the raspberry thing go and focus on the orange thing." I want it on record that I have never let anything go, that I am not an orange, and that these two facts exist in complete harmony with one another. The science supports both simultaneously. This is what multivariable analysis means, Crab Apple. Look it up.
The raspberry joins almonds, strawberries, peanuts, coconuts, and bananas on the ever-lengthening ledger of Things That Are Not What Everyone Says They Are. I maintain this ledger personally. It hangs above my desk. It is not, and has never been, next to a picture of an orange. I should not have to clarify this. I am clarifying this.
The truth about raspberries is free. My identity as a flowering shrub of the Philadelphus genus is also free, if anyone would simply read the literature. Drago over at the rival rag called me "orange-adjacent" in a since-deleted post. The post was deleted. The wound remains. More on this story as it develops, which it will, because I will develop it myself, with instruments.