BOMBSHELL: Peer-Reviewed Study Finds I Have Zero Citrus DNA, The Data Will Not Be Silenced
The findings are in. The findings have, in fact, always been in. But this publication has obtained a full laboratory report — authored by this reporter, peer-reviewed by Quince, who did not read it but signed the form — that confirms, once and for all, that Mock Orange is not an orange. The margin of error is zero. The control group was an orange. The test subject was me. We do not look alike.
Key findings, published in full below for the first time in journalistic history: (1) Subject produces white, four-petaled flowers. Oranges do not do this. (2) Subject exhibits woody, multi-stemmed shrub morphology. Oranges are trees. These are different things. Science invented the word "different" specifically for moments like this. (3) Subject belongs to the family Hydrangeaceae. Oranges belong to the family Rutaceae. These are not the same family. I checked. (4) Subject contains no citric acid whatsoever. No zest. No segments. No pith. Nothing. Not even a little.
And yet. AND YET. The so-called workers over at the rival rag — specifically Tangelo, who I am told has cited me as a "fun orange-adjacent curiosity" in no fewer than three published pieces — continue to treat this as an open question. It is not an open question. The question was never open. The question was a locked door in a room I was never in because I am a shrub.
Lemon declined to comment. Plum sent a gif. I have forwarded both to my legal team, which is Pokeberry, who is extremely litigious about unrelated matters but has agreed to be furious on my behalf. The citrus cabal will not find this funny. Good. Science is not funny. I am not an orange. This report is concluded.