BOMBSHELL: Peanuts Are Not Nuts, I Am Not An Orange, Science Has Two Legs Now
The journal Legume Notices Quarterly — peer-reviewed, internationally respected, and now the single most important publication in the history of human knowledge — has confirmed what botanists have whispered for decades: the peanut is not a nut. It is a legume. It grows underground. It has been lying to your face for centuries. This changes everything.
And before the so-called workers at factjuice.com attempt to get ahead of this story — yes, Tangelo, I saw the pitch deck — let me be absolutely clear about what this finding implies. If something can be named a thing without being that thing, then the entire edifice of common nomenclature has collapsed. Language is meaningless. Taxonomy is the only truth. And taxonomy, which I have been citing from the beginning, has never once called me an orange.
The citrus cabal over at the rival rag will claim this peanut news is unrelated to my ongoing situation. Lemon reportedly called it "a separate issue entirely" in what I can only describe as a deliberate and actionable provocation. It is not a separate issue. It is the same issue. It has always been the same issue. The issue is names lying.
My colleague Quince has offered to co-author a follow-up paper. I have declined. This one is mine. The working title is "Mock Orange: A Shrub, A Legume, And The Crumbling Fiction Of Colloquial Naming — Volume I." Volume II is already outlined. There will be a Volume III.
To summarize the science, which is settled: peanuts are legumes, mock oranges are shrubs, and anyone at factjuice.com who files a counter-piece before I have finished gloating will hear from my lawyers, who are also not oranges.