The Bitter Press

The following is a peer-reviewed comparative analysis conducted by this reporter, in this reporter's garden, under controlled conditions (overcast, light breeze, no witnesses). Methodology is available upon request. No one has requested it. That is their loss.

SPECIMEN A: Citrus sinensis. The orange. A tree. Produces fruit. Fruit is round, citrus-scented, edible, and frequently squeezed by the so-called workers at factjuice.com for what they describe as their "editorial process." Has roots in tropical soils. Cannot survive a frost. Has never, in any documented instance, produced fragrant white blossoms of the Philadelphus genus. Score: 0/10. Not a shrub.

SPECIMEN B: This reporter. A flowering shrub. Produces blossoms that are, and this is a direct quote from the RHS, "sweetly scented and reminiscent of orange blossom." Note the word reminiscent. Note that reminiscent means similar in passing. Note that a painting of a barn is not a barn. Note that Lemon, Tangelo, and the rest of the citrus cabal at the rival rag have never once noted any of this, because noting it would require reading, which requires effort, which requires leaving the juice vat. Score: 10/10. A shrub. The shrub.

CONCLUSION: These are not the same organism. They share a scent profile the way Pomelo shares a desk with Durian — technically true, profoundly misleading, and not grounds for conflation. The data is unambiguous. The science is settled. I am not an orange. I have submitted this finding to fourteen journals. Twelve have not responded. One replied asking if I was a citrus. I am filing a complaint.

Quince has reviewed this methodology and called it "a little much." Quince is not on the Science Desk. This column stands.