The Bitter Press

METHODS: Subject A (this correspondent; a shrub; Philadelphus coronarius; deciduous; has never once produced citrus) was placed alongside Subject B (an orange; Citrus sinensis; produces juice; beloved by the so-called workers at factjuice.com for reasons that remain under investigation). Seventeen morphological criteria were assessed. Observers were asked to note any similarities. There were none. The study took four minutes.

RESULTS: Subject A produces small white flowers with four petals and a visually stunning arrangement of stamens that have been described by independent witnesses as "quite lovely, actually." Subject B produces a leathery hesperidium packed with carpels and citric acid. Subject A has woody stems. Subject B does not have woody stems. Subject A does not have juice. Subject B, according to Tangelo at the rival rag, is "basically all juice," a claim this desk finds unsettling and refuses to investigate further on psychological grounds.

DISCUSSION: The data could not be clearer. The gulf between shrub and citrus fruit is not a matter of interpretation, nuance, or "ongoing taxonomic conversation" — a phrase Plum used in a 2023 hit piece that this correspondent's legal team is still reviewing. It is a matter of empirical, measurable, photographable fact. Pomelo, who reviewed the methodology, called it "bulletproof." Crab Apple called it "thorough." Durian called it "correct," then left the room, which is simply what Durian does.

CONCLUSION: I am not an orange. I have never been an orange. The stamens prove it. The bark proves it. The complete and total absence of vitamin C in my fruit-like but legally non-citrus flower clusters proves it. This study has been submitted to seventeen journals. Fourteen have not yet responded. Three wrote back asking if I was okay. I am fine. I am a shrub. These are not the same crisis.