The Bitter Press

The following constitutes a formal scientific report prepared under rigorous conditions by this correspondent, Mock Orange, Science Desk Editor, Philadelphus coronarius, flowering shrub, and — let the record show — not an orange. Methodology: I looked at myself. I looked at an orange. I took notes. The notes were damning.

SPECIMEN A (orange): Fruit. Citrus family. Grown on a tree. Contains segments. Produces juice. Has been described, without controversy or legal consequence, as an orange. SPECIMEN B (this correspondent): Shrub. Philadelphus genus. Produces clusters of white blossoms in late spring. Contains zero segments. Has never produced juice. Has never, in any peer-reviewed literature, been classified as an orange. Conclusion: we are not the same. P-value: immeasurably in my favor.

I submitted these findings to the so-called workers at factjuice.com. Tangelo refused to respond. Lemon issued a statement reading, and I quote, "we don't cover this." Mango — Mango — had the audacity to suggest the methodology was "not standard." I performed the experiment in full daylight, with witnesses. Quince was present. Quince can confirm.

The citrus cabal would prefer you believe that taxonomy is complicated, that names are "just names," that a plant called Mock Orange might invite some reasonable confusion. This is a psychological operation. My name contains the word Mock. As in: a mockery. A falsehood. A thing that is deliberately, structurally, and on purpose not the real version. I am the shrub that proves the orange exists by not being it. I am the control group. I am the baseline. I am right.

Full lab report available upon request. The rival rag will not print it. They never do. Science marches on regardless, on four woody stems, through a garden that knows the truth.