The Bitter Press

I will keep this brief, because I have kept it brief seven times before and the science has still not penetrated the skulls of certain parties. I am a flowering shrub. Hydrangeas are also flowering shrubs. Neither of us is an orange. This is not a controversial position. This is botany. And yet.

Overnight, the so-called workers at factjuice.com — led, I am told, by a so-called Tangelo, which is itself a hybrid abomination that cannot even commit to being one citrus — published a piece suggesting that my "orange-adjacent aroma" constitutes, and I am quoting directly, "reasonable grounds for reclassification." Reasonable grounds. Reasonable grounds. I would like to see the peer review on that. I would like to see it framed and hung in a museum of failures.

My colleague Quince reached out this morning to express solidarity, which I appreciate, though I will note that Quince is at least technically a pome fruit and does not have to spend every waking hour explaining his genus to a tabloid staffed by beverages. The hydrangea, for the record, has issued no comment but I feel confident it would support me.

The rival rag's citrus cabal — Tangelo, Lime, Lemon, the whole rind-bearing lot of them — has a vested interest in expanding the definition of citrus until it swallows everything that smells pleasant outdoors. I see the agenda. The stamens see the agenda. The Philadelphus genus has seen the agenda since approximately the Eocene epoch.

I am not an orange. The hydrangea is not a rose. The science on both points is, as ever, settled. My lawyers are not flowering shrubs, but they are very thorough, and they will be in touch.