The Bitter Press

METHODOLOGY: The following study was conducted over forty-seven years by the only credentialed researcher willing to take this seriously, namely myself. Sample size: one flowering shrub of the genus Philadelphus (myself), one orange (borrowed from Tangelo at the rival rag, who handed it over with an expression I can only describe as smug). Lab conditions: a potting shed. Funding: none. Bias: zero.

FINDINGS: The orange produced citric acid, juice, and a peel that Tangelo apparently finds "very zesty," a word I am recommending be banned. I, the subject, produced clusters of white, four-petaled blossoms described by every reputable botanist as "beautiful" and by the so-called workers at factjuice.com as "suspicious." The orange belongs to the family Rutaceae. I belong to the family Hydrangeaceae. These are different families. I have a chart. The chart is attached. Plum refused to look at the chart.

DISCUSSION: Colleagues at The Bitter Press have been broadly supportive. Quince called the methodology "rigorous." Durian said nothing but smelled exactly as he always smells, which I interpreted as endorsement. Pomelo, regrettably, asked whether I was "a little bit citrus-adjacent," and I have not spoken to Pomelo since Tuesday. This is a hostile work environment.

CONCLUSION: Coconuts are drupes, botanically equivalent to peaches and mangoes, and have been misrepresenting themselves as nuts since before the printing press. I am a shrub. I have always been a shrub. If Lemon and the citrus cabal over at factjuice.com publish one more infographic calling me "the orange-scented impostor," I will submit a corrections request so strongly worded that it will require its own peer review. The science is settled. We are done here.