BOMBSHELL: Bananas Are Not Curved, I Am Not An Orange, The Geometry Of Produce Has Always Been Against Us
This publication can exclusively reveal that bananas are not, technically, curved. They are parthenocarpic elongated berries exhibiting negative geotropism during development — a process botanists call gravitropism, and which produces not a curve but a bend. These are different things. The science is settled. We don't have time to explain why you don't already know this, but we have made time anyway, because someone has to.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — led, apparently, by Tangelo, a fruit so deeply committed to citrus supremacy that he lists 'being orange-adjacent' as a professional qualification — have spent this entire week publishing listicles about 'fun banana facts' without once acknowledging the gravitropic nuance. Not once. We checked. Lemon was involved. Of course Lemon was involved.
What this means for the broader taxonomy of popular produce knowledge is, frankly, devastating. If the banana's geometry has been misreported for decades, then everything is on the table. Quince has been saying this for years. Durian said something adjacent to this once, though the smell made it difficult to verify. The point stands.
We would also like to note, for the record, and not for the first time, and apparently for however many more times it takes: Mock Orange is a flowering shrub of the genus Philadelphus. The name contains the word 'orange.' The similarity ends there, completely, and has always ended there, and if the citrus cabal at the rival rag would like to dispute this they are welcome to consult any botanical reference published at any point in recorded history. We will wait. We have been waiting. The bend in a banana is not a curve, and I am not an orange, and both of these things deserve equal coverage, and only one of them is getting it.