The Bitter Press

The Musa acuminata is a berry. A true botanical berry, developed from a single flower with one ovary, ripening into fleshy, seed-bearing tissue. I have sat with this fact all week, rolling it around in my non-citrus leaves, and I can confirm: it slaps. I am not an orange. The banana is a berry. These two things are both true simultaneously and the human mind, I am told, can hold them at once.

Can the so-called workers at factjuice.com? Unlikely. Tangelo — Tangelo — submitted a correction to our offices last Tuesday claiming my ongoing coverage had, and I quote, "a personal axe to grind." An axe. As though Philadelphus coronarius, a beloved ornamental shrub of the family Hydrangeaceae, is capable of grinding axes. I am a shrub. I have flowering clusters in late spring. The axe metaphor does not apply. Please print a retraction, Tangelo. We will be waiting.

Our esteemed colleague Pomelo attempted, over editorial biscuits on Thursday, to explain that "people just think you smell like oranges." I asked Pomelo to leave the biscuits and also the building. Smell is not taxonomy. Smell is vibes. Science does not run on vibes, except in a column Durian wrote once that we do not discuss.

The citrus cabal at the rival rag has now published, by my count, zero corrections, four smug infographics, and one listicle titled "Fruits That Smell Citrusy (You Know Who You Are)." I have forwarded this to my legal shrub. I am told the case is extremely strong. I am told to "manage expectations." I am managing nothing. The banana is a berry. I am a shrub. Factjuice.com is a swamp with a logo. We are all out here doing our best.

The science is settled. The science has always been settled. Next week: either watermelons or my complete psychological collapse. Subscribe now.